I heard a crazy story the other day when I was conducting a free consult.
(Don’t worry I don’t think the mom or the child were crazy!)
The mom told me she tried working with another professional and this professional said, “Your child is un-coachable because nothing motivates them.”
Now, if you have a child who appears to be unmotivated, not care about consequences, or just woefully ambivalent, this may not sound so “crazy” to you. But my heart broke for that mom because that “professional” told her a LIE.
Everyone has some sort of motivator.
For some kids, it’s just harder to find than in others! And no joke, after talking to this mom for 30 minutes…I figured out her child’s motivator.
I don’t say that to brag. I share that to say that sometimes there are things we just don’t realize because we’re too close to the issues at hand and can’t come up with the solutions we need. Everyone cares… unless they’re in a deep state of depression. It may be that your child is depressed, but most likely, you just haven’t found whatever it is that truly gets them going! (PS, If you are concerned your child is depressed we should talk ASAP, click here for your free consult.)
When you’re trying to get your child to do something, you tend to speak based on what you think is important. You’re an adult, so you understand the long-term ramifications of neglecting responsibilities.
You also have your own preferences and things you care about…
…things that your child may see as insignificant (examples…good grades in school, tidiness, hygiene, or showing up to certain events).
I’m not saying that you should just let your child continue not caring about things that are truly important, but just asserting your own viewpoint, lecturing them (AGAIN), or providing a consequence they see as worth it in comparison to the alternative are not going to get you anywhere! In fact, it may solidify how much they don’t care because they know it gets you fired up!
So here are some things to consider when your child is not caring…
- Is this truly important, or is this my preference?
There are some things that you really can just let go of. It may be painful to let it go… but there are just some issues not worth getting in arguments about over and over. - How can I speak my child’s language?
There are things that matter to your child. It may be as simple as the way you are presenting something to them. What do they value? How does that tie into the issue at hand? “Speak their language” means finding ways to bring in the things that are important to them to get their attention and increase their motivation to care and put forth effort into something they would not care about at face value. - Is this consequence teaching them anything?
If the consequence you give them is worth it, they will choose it every time… especially if you have a track record of not following through on them. But beyond that, does the consequence have anything to do with the issue at hand? What if the consequence for not caring tied in something that would cause them to do some self-reflection? If you can tie the consequence to the disobedience, it will have much more impact. - What can I do to cultivate care for this particular issue?
Caring about something doesn’t just happen in an instance. Care has to be cultivated. What can you do (without being obnoxious… aka lecturing and nagging) to help your child see the benefits of caring? Right now they are just dwelling on what it costs them. They need to be exposed to the pleasant side, the payoff. But if you use phrases like, “See, I told you that is wasn’t so bad,” or “Oh wow, looks like that was worth it, wasn’t it?” or “You could have had a better attitude about it,” you will not yield the results you are looking for! Those don’t cultivate care. They cultivate resentment and rebelliousness.
If you’re looking for more tips on how to get your child to care, be sure to watch my YouTube video (click here)!
And if you’re feeling like you’ve tried everything and nothing motivates your child and getting them to care is far beyond you reading a blog post and watching a video, then let’s schedule a free consultation to get you the clarity you need (click here!).
